I look back at that woman & i’m sad for her. She use to beg for love that she gets so easily now. She use to question things that now come without confusion. She use to ache in places that are now loved on correctly. She use to settle for the bare minimum because that’s all she thought she was worth. She use to allow herself to shrink into others boxes for their comfort. She use to hold onto people when she knew they were bad for her well being. She use to feel completely alone as she cried herself to sleep next to a man who was thinking about another woman. She use to put her needs on the back burner while lighting the fire for others. She use to say yes when she truly wanted to say no. She use to lie to herself on the reasons why she settled. She use to smile in a room full of people while all along she just wanted to run and hide. She use to sleep away her pain and eat her guilt for breakfast. She use to fall in love with the idea that he was the one, when she knew he was just another temporary toxic sexual interaction (whew’). She use to allow men to use her body because she didn’t feel worthy enough for him to take care of her heart. She use to allow people back into her life based on fake apologies and short term corrections. She use to believe that it was somehow her fault after he ghosted her. She use to believe that there was something more she could’ve done to stop him from lying. She use to believe that if he called her at night to come over, that he wanted more than just her body. She use to believe that pretending that she didn’t care, would make him care. She use to believe that her friends could never be envious of her struggles and her strength to get back up. She use to believe that all her friends and family had her best interest at heart. She use to believe that the trauma from her childhood could be sweep under the rug. She use to believe that hiding that part of her story would make all the emotions disappear into the night. She use to trust that she could get through this process completely on her own.
…she, was me.
She is still learning + still healing + still growing + still collecting valuable lessons to enhance her future.
I was forced into this healing process, to be honest. I often wonder if i’d still be in that dark space + unhappy + feeling completely alone, if I wasn’t forced with my new reality. I wonder how much more weight I would’ve gained as of now. How many hours would I continue to nap my depression away or stuff my face with food that only held my tears for the moment.
Who would I be today, if I were still in that toxic environment?
Its coming up on one year since the kick start of this journey began. I allowed myself to get the alone time I needed and was able to learn what exactly I required, intentionally + unintentionally. Since then I’ve had a few other wild situations (a.k.a men, friends, family) try to pull me back down. With each of them, there was another beautiful lesson to be learned (I can now say). Truth be told, it actually has nothing to do with them, but everything to do with myself. You have to take ownership on whom you allow into your space and/or whom you allow to ultimately share your heart with.
One thing I didn’t allow to enter my heart was lost. Lost in this sense; the hope of true love after heartbreak and/or disappointment. And I’m damn proud of myself because I could’ve easily became the hurt bitter woman. But after everything unfolded earlier this year, I said to myself “you’ve been through worse, get it together girl, don’t focus on these unreliable men and focus on you”. Once I made that mindset transition and became intentional on what I knew I deserved, my entire life shifted. Settling was no longer an option. Being with just anyone or being in any situation that didn’t feel good for my soul was no longer something i’d put myself through.
Blessings began to flourish and I will forever be grateful. The woman that I am today needed every single lesson thus far and I welcome new lessons to go along with this new mindset. I also have a man that compliments my happiness that I’ve already created for myself prior to him entering my life. (The key to this statement is that he adds to me, not “he is my happiness”) He adds clarity to my uncertainty + he supplies comfort in my worries + he adds laughter to my past. He is my peace!
I cannot stress accountability + self love + self care enough.
Put the work in, for yourself + future self. She will thank you.
xoxo- Tiara Adair @tiara_adair