she, was me…

I look back at that woman & i’m sad for her. She use to beg for love that she gets so easily now. She use to question things that now come without confusion. She use to ache in places that are now loved on correctly. She use to settle for the bare minimum because that’s all she thought she was worth. She use to allow herself to shrink into others boxes for their comfort. She use to hold onto people when she knew they were bad for her well being. She use to feel completely alone as she cried herself to sleep next to a man who was thinking about another woman. She use to put her needs on the back burner while lighting the fire for others. She use to say yes when she truly wanted to say no. She use to lie to herself on the reasons why she settled. She use to smile in a room full of people while all along she just wanted to run and hide. She use to sleep away her pain and eat her guilt for breakfast. She use to fall in love with the idea that he was the one, when she knew he was just another temporary toxic sexual interaction (whew’). She use to allow men to use her body because she didn’t feel worthy enough for him to take care of her heart. She use to allow people back into her life based on fake apologies and short term corrections. She use to believe that it was somehow her fault after he ghosted her. She use to believe that there was something more she could’ve done to stop him from lying. She use to believe that if he called her at night to come over, that he wanted more than just her body. She use to believe that pretending that she didn’t care, would make him care. She use to believe that her friends could never be envious of her struggles and her strength to get back up. She use to believe that all her friends and family had her best interest at heart. She use to believe that the trauma from her childhood could be sweep under the rug. She use to believe that hiding that part of her story would make all the emotions disappear into the night. She use to trust that she could get through this process completely on her own.

she, was me.

She is still learning + still healing + still growing + still collecting valuable lessons to enhance her future.

I was forced into this healing process, to be honest. I often wonder if i’d still be in that dark space + unhappy + feeling completely alone, if I wasn’t forced with my new reality. I wonder how much more weight I would’ve gained as of now. How many hours would I continue to nap my depression away or stuff my face with food that only held my tears for the moment.

Who would I be today, if I were still in that toxic environment?

Its coming up on one year since the kick start of this journey began. I allowed myself to get the alone time I needed and was able to learn what exactly I required, intentionally + unintentionally. Since then I’ve had a few other wild situations (a.k.a men, friends, family) try to pull me back down. With each of them, there was another beautiful lesson to be learned (I can now say). Truth be told, it actually has nothing to do with them, but everything to do with myself. You have to take ownership on whom you allow into your space and/or whom you allow to ultimately share your heart with.

One thing I didn’t allow to enter my heart was lost. Lost in this sense; the hope of true love after heartbreak and/or disappointment. And I’m damn proud of myself because I could’ve easily became the hurt bitter woman. But after everything unfolded earlier this year, I said to myself “you’ve been through worse, get it together girl, don’t focus on these unreliable men and focus on you”. Once I made that mindset transition and became intentional on what I knew I deserved, my entire life shifted. Settling was no longer an option. Being with just anyone or being in any situation that didn’t feel good for my soul was no longer something i’d put myself through.

Blessings began to flourish and I will forever be grateful. The woman that I am today needed every single lesson thus far and I welcome new lessons to go along with this new mindset. I also have a man that compliments my happiness that I’ve already created for myself prior to him entering my life. (The key to this statement is that he adds to me, not “he is my happiness”) He adds clarity to my uncertainty + he supplies comfort in my worries + he adds laughter to my past. He is my peace!

I cannot stress accountability + self love + self care enough.

Put the work in, for yourself + future self. She will thank you.

xoxo- Tiara Adair @tiara_adair

“Love the skin you are in”

I think it’s so important to express when you’re in both a good space and a “not so good” space. I try my hardest to maintain transparency with you all during both periods. I’ve had a hell of a year last year, some good moments but honestly overall wasn’t the best year. I got a new job, better benefits (super thankful) which was the high! The low; I got out of a long relationship that pulled me into some heavy darkness that followed the breakup. It was hard, really hard. Mostly because I lost control, control of my picture perfect happiness. Control of comfort and control of my plans for my future (what I thought). With serious reflection and time I was able to re-introduce myself this year +feeling better than ever! My future plans are now bigger and better than I had initially for myself. I like to say “losing + gaining at the same time” taught me so much about myself, my strength and allowed me to finally start “Talk with T”.

“losing + gaining at the same time”

I’m not perfect nor want to portray that I am or even want to be. We are human and we are all going through some sort of mess along our journey. Women are so hesitant with being vulnerable because of the unfortunate competitive responses within her circle that happens so much more often than it should. I’ve always had multiple “friends” feel the need to compete with me throughout my entire life. And as I’ve gotten older i’m noticing that this is a very common unpopular trend throughout many circles. It’s so mind boggling to me because I don’t have a jealous bone in my body, when my friend wins… I win! When I win, my friend wins! I also completely understand that everyone is granted a beautiful season in their lives more times than one. And when it’s my friends season, I don’t hate on her or try to find a way to “one up on her” by doing something bigger and better so that I can regain that attention on myself.

“when my friend wins… I win + when I win… my friend wins”

So why is it like this?! Why do women feel like they have to compete against you instead of collaborate or better yet congratulate? It literally doesn’t take anything from you to truly admire another woman and wish them well on their journey; while you still pursue your very own. My journey won’t look like yours, we have both been through good and bad to get here. And guess what… that doesn’t make my journey better than yours. You don’t know what that woman had to do to get to where she is today. You don’t know how many sleepless nights or how many talks she had to have with herself just to get out the bed the next day.

We see so many women on social media “shining” and “living the life” but you don’t know what she is truly fighting through everyday. So why is her shine projecting so much negativity and self doubt on your own life?! Do you feel like you need to dim her light in order for you to be seen?!

Queen, we are so strong… imagine how much positive vibrations would come full force if we linked together! Don’t waste any more energy on being against her. It’s okay to compliment her, encourage her, admire her, uplift her, support her and love on her! Stop questioning your worth because she is secure in hers. We are all put here for our own individual purpose in life, so stop trying to create a life based on hers. You are worthy in your own skin! This is the reason why I support the Self Love + Self Care movement so much, it’s beyond essential. Get secure enough within yourself so you don’t feel the need to compete with another woman!

“compliment her+encourage her+admire her+uplift her…”

Here are some Self Love + Self Care tips every woman can benefit from:

  • Check in with yourself daily; ask yourself “how are you” and be honest with your feelings. We ask people “how are you” but we neglect to ask ourselves
  • Journal; it’s something about a real pen and paper, write your thoughts out, especially when you’re upset because releasing on paper is a different level of “letting go” that I’ve found effective
  • Put the electronics down! Something i’m working on myself, these electronics are so addictive and easily accessible, its dangerous! One minute you know its been two whole hours of scrolling that could have been towards doing something more productive
  • Saying “NO”! I use to say yes to so many things I didn’t want to actual do in order to please others. The moment I started utilizing the word NO a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Be aware though that others won’t like this at first, but they will adjust… or maybe not (oh well)
  • Avoiding negativity; Cutting ties with toxic individuals, including family and long term friendships. I know its hard to let go of your comfort zone or the fear of disappoint but you must protect your peace at all cost. And that sometimes means letting go of people you once thought would be in your life forever. You can maintain the love and support… but from afar! No negative person or situation is worth your internal peace
  • Yoga + Meditation; literally an amazing mental cleanse, stress reliever and overall healthy experience for you mind, body and spirit
  • Mental Health Day; take a day off! No agenda, no kids, no calls, just be with yourself and do something you want to do! If that is taking a nap all day, DO IT! Massage, movies, take a drive, take yourself on a date, DO IT! Don’t forget about yourself, remember you can’t pour from an empty glass and you can’t be here for everyone if you’re not taking care of YOU first!
  • Therapy; I accepted my first therapist last year and it was an eye opening experience for me. I was able to dig deep and get a different outlook on how my past has shaped my present and will ultimately shape my future. I learned ways to help manage stress and methods to create a more positive mindset. Therapy is also very hard, there were bad days with discussing hard topics that I wasn’t ready to address and accept. But this is apart of self care + self love so much because caring for yourself sometimes gets messy. It isn’t always about sage, bubble baths and blasting Erykah Badu naked in your kitchen (yes I do this lol). Self Care + Self love is a process, one that you should take your time with and go at your own pace. Again, my journey wont look like yours, you gotta figure out what methods best work for YOU!
  • Don’t share everything with everyone; Lesson I’ve learned, everyone cannot be trusted with your business. Give a little but never too much! This goes back to the competitive nature that some possess and you must protect yourself. Sometimes people check on you to just see if its anything they can feed off. Pay attention to when they check on you, the responses they give you and follow your gut if something doesn’t feel right! “Everything ain’t for everybody” -all our mamas lol

I’ll leave you with this Queen, Love on yourself and love the skin you are in! Life is too short to second guess yourself, your worth and your existence! Manifest all good things and put in the work for it to be present!

“Love the skin you are in”

I see you Queen- xoxo Tiara Adair

Follow my IG: @tiara_adair